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I feel like I'm tearing apart sometimes. But after a really depressive episode last week, which really affected my cognitive, emotional, physical abilities etc. etc. , I can see why theres this chinese saying that goes somewhat like " You won't know what warmth is until you have experienced bitter cold". There are just so many things in life that are perceived RELATIVE to other things.

It started out with studying with Iz and Ghim yest. Iz was discussing her sociology class and asked us " what do you think definition of promiscuity is?". Dumbfounded for a while, andd i feebly attempted " err...its not absolute isn't it. I mean it depends on different culture backgrounds." She presented hers, which was really mind-blowing in a way. "Someone is promiscuous if she has more sex than you. relative to someone".

I mean thats really true. come to think of it, I always measure myseelf relative to other people. Maybe relative is just a euphemism of competition. AHHHH. There it is. I measure my own happiness, relative to what other people have, making myself feel more warmth and better self-efficacy when I htink that there are many other homeless people , many who don't get to go to school or choose the school they want to and the list can go on forever. I measure my "success" in a course in comparison to the class average. A standard deviation of 10 points above the mean is considered a success on a test. I measure my level of accmoplishment on any single day to the amount of work I did on another day when I was in the feel. Comparision, competition and relativism. Does all things in life really have to be such relative constructs?

I kinda figured out that perhaps the reason why I feel so ambivalent sometimes is because I am always strugglign to find that balance- the balance between absolute perfectionism ( which i will never do because thats simply Obsessive Compulsive) and the laid-back attitude at the other end of the spectrum. Many times I get complacent when i get slightly ahead in the rat race, lie back a little, only to realise after a short while that I am lagging. Which then inspires a mini-panic attack, that makes me pull up my socks and work hard again.

Which is exactly my point. Why can't I strive for internal excellence? You know, excellence where I count myself as my only competitor. Not grades, not classmates, not friends, not families. I know when I felt that I was learning because I really lvoed that subject, I retain and understnad that materials so much better. When I learn and truly try to understnad the material, which I appreicate what the US system has taught me to, I often do much better and therefore feel happier.

What is happiness? What is your definition of excellence- isnt that by itself a man-made construct too? What is competition? Is there always an absolute adaptation?

Probably the meaning of life is again, to pursue happiness. Recently I discovered that I might just fall intoo the high risk spectrum for depression because I have simply such bad negative cognitive triad and pessimistic explanatory. (For an explanation for these concepts proposed by the psychologist Aaron Beck, click here). Because I felt liek the whole of last wweek, when unhappy things started hitting me one after another and on and on, I could't even fight back. It was after a whole week of trying to think it out straight and faced in the impending pressure of having to prepare for my finals, that I literally forced myself out of it. But for now, I won't say I feel happiness ( for that would be totally manic to feel intense happiness right out of a depressive period), but I can feel myself, I can feel my friends and I got back my cognitive abilities. I woudl say...I feel like I'm alive.

Im just really thankful for all those people who hung on to me, encouraged me, talked to me and brightened up by days just by checking on me. I really hope I can be such a strength to my friends if they need it too ( hopefully not). For now, just let me get a little better and soak in this influx of blessings and care:)

P.S. Thanks to all you know who you are:) lovee

please give me the strength to get through these 2 weeks.

Its getting pretty late, past my bedtime for a sunday. But this weekend just too many things happened and I feel like rambling on for a little. Let me.

I must say the highlight of the weekend-highlight in terms of the overall entertainment, was the Seniors Day Program. It was a well planned, tightly themed to the Infernal Affairs, with at least 4 or 5 self made videos of Jose+10 videos, music videos, picture clips etc, dances and band performances. Looking at all these seniors's performance, does, to some extent make me really jealous why is it that it is hard to get my batch people to be enthusiastic about doing stuff. Its always those few people interested in contributing and helping. I have tried my best too, but I think its one of the few cases where I really just throw in my towel from the exhaustion of swimming against the tide.

I dont know if its a blessing or a curse that I am graduating one semester early, such that I wont get to participate in a seniors day party for my meesiam batch. I dont know if I will miss this bunch, or whether they will even remember me as they are preparing for the seniors day. Highly unlikely it will be anything close to what the XLB batch seniors put together yesterday, stemming from the efforts and sacrifices that they had to make to create a seniors day that is truly theirs. Im placing my bets that meesiams's will be much of a really simple affair. I had a couple of discussions with some of the people in my batch over this issue, and the conclusions were almost ...unanimous.

Saturday was also the first time I got SO drunk that I couldn drive myself home. It was at the Seniors Day's afer party. Well, I had that coming, with no inhibition on the number of drinks that I was downing. As i talked to some friends today, I tried to justify that as the toll from the accumulated amount of stress from this crazy semester coupled with unyielding lab results, the most horrible relationships I ever had in my life and with the impending departure of the seniors from wintry cold Michigan. But in no way, were all these reasons, sufficient for a lack of discipline-trashed-out state on the couch overnight.Really. I am kinda mad at myself for doing that.

This semester I learnt so much. So much more than I think what two years of JC, 6 years of elementary school and 4 years of RGS education has taught me. It is that much. Academically, I have matured so much. I can read super fast now, I swear, I can finish a chapter in an hour. A few days ago i was filing all my materials this semester and it came to my shocking attention that I had read close to 60 academic papers this semester and top of that many other textbooks and writings. Its become those kinda important reading skillls that as you read, you internalize and create a roadmap such that most of the stuff sticks in your head as you finish the book. Its really an amazing feeling. But this wasn't trained, it was forced out of me as I had to deal with just so many pages of readings.

Emotionally I matured so much- I learned to love and I also learnt to hate. I learned to give in as well as to give up. Although I havent learnt to truly let go, but I don't want to blame myself for that because I have shed more than enough tears. I think become more skeptical of peoples' intentions and who are those true friends that I used to think I had. Suffice to say, these are all those "friends" who only buzz you up when they have a favour to ask of you and want your advice on homework. And sadly, friends of these sort seem to be creeping up and infringing on my life more than ever before. Maybe it is just because I have learnt to identify and protect myself from all these people. Its really sort of like I have created an outer protective shield, to which I shield off all intentionally intrusive relationship or friendships. Like how a Bubble-boy creates his own "haven" amidst throngs of external viral or bacteria invasions. I certainly don't know if this is good or bad, but at least, I feel safe for now. I don't think I would be able to let anyone in for a long while.

Mentally I have grown too. I learned to use my mind to rule my heart. I have learned to stay mentally focused for hours. I have learned to really manage my time most wisely this semester. As for friendships, this semester I am glad I made more friends and maintained better ones with those who were deserving of a friendship(again sorry but, my cynical outlook).

If i had to sum up this semester, which is going to be over in three weeks ( WHEE!), its all about

LEARNING to LEARN.

Freak.Afterslackening off for one week, I have like TONS of work to clear now. Finals coming up in one week! For my own sake, I will have to write down some dates to keep myself focused.

April 7: Psych 270 last quiz
April 10: MCDB 429 last quiz
April 11: Finish Binding assay for MCDB 400
April 14: MCDB429 final
April 15: PSYCH 270 final
April 17: BIO 390 final
April 18: Phosphorylation assay for MCDB 400
April 21: MCDB 400 lab presentation
April 23: MCDB 428 final
APril 23-26: Move house, settle finances, insurance etc, finish lab experiments.
April 26: NW 1776 to Philadephia
May 3: Amtrak 153 to Washington, DC
May 6: NYC
May 9: Boston
May 12: AE 467 and MU 588 from Boston to Shanghai
May 28: MU 701 from Shanghai to Hongkong
June 1: Hongkong to Singapore
June 2: Start work at IMCB

Exciting hurh hurh! Okay but this means that I have to travel light cos its impossible for me to carry so many things around. So, if you want me to buy anything from states, let me know early, so maybe I can get some of my friends who are going back to SIN to longpang stuff? Should work out!:)
Cant wait to see everyone back homeeeeeeee:)